I READ IT SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO: "THE ACTION BIBLE: THE BATTLE BEGINS: THE STORY OF CREATION"

I BEGIN A SERIES WHERE I READ BOOKS I DON'T WANT TO, IN ORDER TO HELP END THE COSMIC WAR

This is the first in a small series of book reviews, where I read books that I did not want to read, but which nevertheless shine lights on the topic of the Cosmic War, in order that we may stop fighting the damn thing.

Kia Ora Tatou, and welcome to Ending the Cosmic War, with me, Karen Effie. I have ongoing family issues which keep me from writing, but I will attempt to continue when I have the space. So: on to The Action Bible.

I found The Action Bible when looking for actual Bibles, in the Christian Superstore near my home. Of course I was immediately captivated by the cover. The battle begins!

This is volume one of a set, and you can buy the whole thing in hardback. I don’t intend to do that. I think I have the tone of the thing right here.

The front matter includes the statement “This story was based on Scripture passages, including, but not limited to….” And then it lists a series of Bible references. Then we begin. Lucifer, who is already miserable, and Michael are in Heaven, pondering the impending creation of the universe. Lucifer is worried that He (not sure if He is God, or Jesus here) will stop loving him once he has this new creation. Both angels are swole as, and wearing a lot of very cool armour for some reason. Michael looks Latino, which I rather like, his swarthy handsomeness contrasting with Lucifer’s blond-gold, slightly haughty look. Lucifer remains disgruntled as Jesus creates everything, (yes Jesus, for which there is some evidence in John 1:1-5, but maybe not conclusive), and Jesus’ offer to Lucifer of being the guardian of this new world just irritates him, as it seems Jesus has put the human Adam in charge, giving him all the important powers like naming things and running the show. Then Eve is created, and she is hot. The age range for The Action Bible is 8-12 but some of it shows the artist’s background in Marvel and DC because the relationship between Adam and Eve is more M than PG. Meanwhile, in heaven, the Cosmic War really kicks off as Lucifer rebels and takes a bunch of angels with him. A fight takes place between Michael and Lucifer, and their followers, where weapons are drawn, and I don’t know why everyone was armed for bear in the original heaven before the war even started, but never mind, they all look pretty good slashing and thrusting, and they are all definitely blokes. No DEI in heaven. Then God intervenes, and banishes Lucifer and his followers to the nether regions. A great fissure in heaven opens up, and they plunge into it, where they change from their handsome angel selves into monsters. Lucifer declares he is now named Beezelbul. He sets out to corrupt Adam and Eve. He takes the form of a rather cute dragon, and persuades Eve to eat the forbidden fruit. I hate to say this, kids, but the forbidden fruit looks a lot like a ball sac. And inside it’s like pomegranate, which some people though the forbidden fruit actually was. Anyway, Eve starts to be mean to Adam, showing that the effects of the fruit has begun, and then Jesus discovers what has happened. He is wrathful, but he is also helpful. He sews them clothes, which Eve displays coquettishly, and then gently shows them the exit, and tells them he loves them and that they can always find him in their hearts. Adam and Eve make their way into a world of travail and difficulty, make a house and till the land, and have a baby, and the book ends with them worshipping the Lord, while cuddling their baby, in a demon-invested night. That was a typo, I meant demon-infested, but I rather liked the typo so I will include it. The final Bible quotes include:

“Revelation 12:12 King James Version (KJV) Therefore rejoice, ye heavens, and ye that dwell in them. Woe to the inhabiters of the earth and of the sea! for the devil is come down unto you, having great wrath, because he knoweth that he hath but a short time.”

Thus, we have well and truly begun the Cosmic War. And even at that very start of humanity, seemingly we are nearing its end, because the devil’s time is short. We are in the same place we always are, the eternal end.

So, I am reading this and apart from loving the artwork I am going “Nooo! Not in the Bible! This is rehashed Milton, this is not the Bible! This is a medieval fantasy, this is not the Bible!” Also, it jumps around from Genesis to John to Revelation, which is a common way of arguing about the Bible, but it is not the Bible. This is not the Bible. It is based on an idea of the Bible. It is not even apologetics, it is just based on an idea of the Bible filtered through many cultural, post-Biblical sources. I think you get my point. Not the Bible. On the back cover it says “Experience the creation story as you’ve never seen it before” – and that particular claim is the most accurate thing about it.

How influential is this gorgeous piece of trash? The Wikipedia entry is brief, but states “The Action Bible has been translated into 29 languages and is distributed in 32 countries by David C. Cook. An excerpt from the Bible, The Story of Jesus, is available in more than 50 languages and has been distributed in more than 51 million copies in 97 countries. It is also available as a mobile app from Youth for Christ”. Amazon rates it No. 4 in Christian devotional books for children, and No. 8 in Educational and Non-fictional books for children. So it is out there. A lot. And the graphics are great, and Eve is cute, and all the angels are ripped. (You can probably tell I am not an expert on graphic novels, although I adore Grant Morrison’s “Invisibles” series with its high strangeness and its low paranoia.)

So, does it matter that it is Not The Bible?

Yes, it does matter, because it claims to be The Action Bible, which I at first thought was a version of the Bible like the KJV or the NIV. You shouldn’t claim to be something you’re not. Also, it is squarely aimed at young people, and it is a shitty way of teaching the Bible. It means that future Bible reading may be skewed as readers try to find The Action Bible in actual Bible versions. And if they ever meet a theologian, they will be laughed at. Also, if you are a young person introduced to Christianity by The Action Bible you will be confused when you start to read the real thing. If the Bible is to be taken seriously, this is not the way to do it.

And, no it doesn’t matter, because modern Christian thought is a glorious accretion of ideas from so-called heretical sources, and Greek philosophy, and the development of theology throughout the ages, and folklore from the cultures that Christians came from and encountered. Here is an example, straight from the book. When God casts Lucifer and his followers out of heaven, they change on the way down. During the descent, they start off looking as they did, beautiful angelic winged men, and gradually they become monsters on the way down. Where they end up is not particularly well-defined; it just looks like the bottom of a pit. Presumably hell with the pitchforks and so on come later. But this scene is based beautifully, if not consciously, on a painting, “The Fall of the Rebel Angels” by Pieter Bruegel the Elder, painted in 1562. I don’t know if the artist, Sergio Cariello, was aware of the painting, but the idea is there, and it makes sense. It is in the history, along with Lucifer himself, and the Archangel Michael, and heaven and hell, none of which are exactly Biblical.

Of course, the reason I am reviewing this book is that from the cover onwards we are introduced to the Cosmic War. “The battle begins”. I think this is just unfortunate. There is a lot more to the Abrahamic religions than the Cosmic War. We need to stop it. We need better ideas, and fortunately there are many around. Thank you for being here, if you got this far. Ma te wa.